It’s ok not to be ok!

It’s been forever since I have posted anything so with that in mind I thought I’d share some of my daily logs. I’ve been doing this for a while now it’s normally for a post but never get around to posting it or just to get something off my chest, however, these are my thoughts and feelings at the time. With it being mental health day last week, I thought this is a good time to share some of my logs, there’s no date to them as I generally write on one page of my notes on my phone, either the top end or the bottom. I haven’t edited them so some may not make sense to you but certainly do to me!

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I very often feel lost, surrounded by people but feel alone if that makes sense. I constantly have the burden of everyone on my shoulder especially Teddie’s well-being and Alfie’s mental health, something that at times scares me what direction it may lead him in the future. This burden is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting, some days I feel like I have been to the gym as my body hurts so much I can barely function, however, I have to. I can never switch off, I am constantly thinking ahead, hours, days and weeks ahead just so everything is in place for every eventuality. I’ve recently described my brain as a filing cabinet with a million sections in and that’s just for Teddie.

As said by Ronan Keating; ‘life is a roller coaster Just gotta ride it! 

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Nothing like walking back from the school run crying made worse that I didn’t have sunglasses wear to hide the fact. Teddie has had a particularly hard morning and it’s only 8.50! A mix up with 1:1, but what made me upset was Teddie’s reaction to the school head. He was very overwhelmed so he shut himself in the class toilet, which is fine as it’s his way of coping with things. when the head came in to see if he was ok Teddies persona completely changed and it looked like he was scared of her. Teddie then took himself to his desk while protesting he didn’t want anyone with him. I’m not sure if what happened was a good thing or a bad thing, I’d never seen him like this before. I think he knew she was of an authority figure and knew what she said goes but his reaction threw me. 

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I’ve called the school he’s ok!

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What makes a person bad (rhetorical, I know the science behind it) what annoys me more than anything is a person who never congratulations another person, by that I don’t mean getting married or having a baby, I mean on a day to day stuff. I always say well done, text or call to follow up on how someone’s day has gone or if the person child has had a good day, however, we never seem to get it back. It’s something that weighs heavy on my heart and upset me! Gareth always tells me to do the same but I just can’t be that person, I like to wish people the best, text them to see how they are and generally interested in them. Rant over!

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Had a meeting with the school Senco today for Alfie, he’s really struggling at school, finding his way around and all the changes that come with secondary school. Alfie is so frightened of getting into trouble, altho that would never happen. He’s worried about being asked a question in class and he won’t know the answer especially now he’s been moved into the top sets. He isn’t eaten or going to the toilet the whole time he’s at school which is another concern. During the meeting, Alfie came in but ended up getting extremely upset. I didn’t want him in the meeting if I’m honest as I don’t like talking about him in front of him. Alfie’s now been given a pass for pretty much everything, he can leave early for lunch to avoid the queues, leave the class whenever he needs to go to the toilet (without asking) and a teacher will not put him on the spot with questions. When all this was being put into place I thought it was completely unless as he’d never leave the class for a toilet or early for lunch but fantastic its there if he wants too.

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Seriously, kill me now! I cannot cope with hearing about everyone’s uni experience anymore, although on the other hand, I am impressed with the level of 18-20 year old who have travelled from abroad- at the same time I’ve over hearing about it. In a recent seminar, one of the girls was asked her fears for this year, her response was:

‘Timekeeping and procrastination”

I honestly wanted to scream; What the FUCK!!! Who says procrastination! She’s a sweet girl though

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Sonnie has real issues!! To add to my forever growing list of things to do and remember Sonnie has decided he cannot eat from his bowel. He now wants to be hand feed, WTF!!!!! Of course, I do it, he’s certainly his mother’s boy that’s for sure, I swear he’s like the 4th child! He’s completely obsessive, always on edge and needs to be hand feed- I think the dogs on the spectrum!

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I’m not sure where I begin with my manic day, all I can say is it feels hell at times. I’m up at 6.20 altho Teddie is up at 6 am, he’s said his good mornings then we send him back into his room for 20 minutes but i should have just got up all I can hear is him moaning.

I do lunches for everyone, I could do them the night before, however, everyone prefers them made fresh on the day! Toast for Teddie and a round of hazelnut pancakes. 8 am walk the dog for a half-hour, come home to take Teddie to a school than race back to get Harvey up, make him breakfast (sausage bap) then head to uni for 5 hours of lectures & seminars.

Get home to start dinner, force the boys to do their homework then to be called and asked if I’d do a segment for BBC London, as I’m listening I’m telling myself to say no, but of course I don’t! End up doing Alfie’s homework as he doesn’t know what to do but have a feeling he does but knows I’ll do it, then I cruel into bed at a ridiculous time, I seriously need to start saying No! 

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Harvey pretty much put every item of clothing I’ve recently washed and folded in the wash, by that I mean on the bathroom floor, all needs washing apparently!! I may kill him.

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Today is mental health day and I feel terrible I haven’t posted anything on it! My back is playing me up again (dehydration of the discs, apparently) I feel awful we have had to let our friend down and not attend her wedding down south- right down south in Devon, however, I can’t cope in the car for half-hour let alone 5 hours with my back. 

Although my back is sore my arms and legs have taken the strain at times I’m in agony and need to keep moving. I’m irritable, moody and have a million things I want to do but can’t. I want my mirror put up in the hallway but need to repaint it. I want the massive box with the hot tub parts moved from the hallway as It’s been sitting there for over a week and no one has moved to into the garage I’m tempted to don’t myself even though I know it will only make my back worse but needs must! 

The only silver lining is my parent are having Teddie and Alfie till Sunday although Harvey has now asked for his mates to all come over so not quite the lone time Gareth and I were hoping for!

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Today is a struggle, it’s only 11 am, one bonus is the hot tub box is now in the garage. The hot water bottle is still attached to my back, it does help but you would think it may give the boys an indication that I’m still hurting! A round of pancakes made for Lord Harvey, then Alfie and Teddie got Amongst it! 

It’s dawned on me more than once but being a parent to children makes no difference when you are hurting or ill but throw in a child with autism you have no hope in hell resting or taking time for yourself.

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Taking on other peoples anxieties, worries and fears are completely consuming and draining. I’m in a constant whirlwind of worry myself because I’m constantly worried about the boys. Gareth would say I give in, however, I chose my battles and know-how to win a battle without Teddie even realising I’ve won. 

For us, it comes down to patients, something I have a lot of when it’s comes to Teddie. I constantly think ahead and know how things r gonna play out but Gareth hasn’t quite mastered this yet. For me, from the hours of 7 am to 7.30 pm I am constantly playing out scenarios of what might happen in my head which is mentally exhausting let me tell you. I also know between these hours I need to be ready at the waiting for Teddie to need me for something whether it be to read a book, play a game or to just sit with him. Weekends we tell Teddie he has to stay in his room and play till 8 am, Friday night I forgot to remind him which means it’s business as normal and we r up at 7 am.

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My point with my daily logs are to get things off my chest, I very rarely talk about my worries, however, its important to express how you feel with either talking to people or writing down your worries and fears. There are many agencies you can get in contact with if you are unable to speak to friends or family members.

Mental health helplines:

Anxiety UK

Charity providing support if you have been diagnosed with an anxiety condition.

Phone: 03444 775 774 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 5.30pm)

Website: www.anxietyuk.org.uk

CALM

CALM is the Campaign Against Living Miserably, for men aged 15 to 35.

Phone: 0800 58 58 58 (daily, 5pm to midnight)

Website: www.thecalmzone.net

A suicide prevention text message service to encourage more men to “open up” has been started by a charity on World Mental Health Day.  Text TeamKPG to 85258 and get help.

Mental Health Foundation

Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.

Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk

Mind

Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.

Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm)

Website: www.mind.org.uk

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