The constant need of wanting to do it all and to please everyone sometimes gets the better of you.
I’ve been working so hard on a presentation that has taken me forever to do, the day of presenting it was finally upon me and I nosedived.
The night before I was super organised & had everything ready. I’d made all the lunches, made crepes for the boys for breakfast, the uniforms were all out ready all everyone had to do was literally get up and get dressed- of course, this didn’t happen!
Harvey didn’t know where any of his lunch was even though it was right in front of his eyes. He went to school without any breakfast as Gareth didn’t tell him I had already made it.
Alfie was up and dressed but was playing on his PS4 (which he isn’t allowed on before school) talking to his friend so I ended up shouting and screaming at him.
Gareth was flapping over everything and just being a man who had no idea of what was happening around him.
The only one who had his shit together was Teddie, he was no bother at all even when I told him he needed to go to school in his P.E kit he didn’t question it at all, he just did it.
I dropped Alfie and Teddie off at school only to realise I’d left my laptop at home so instead of heading to my presentation I turned around and went home.
My calm and chilled morning turned into a large cloud of stress so I did what all girls do, I called my mum and cried. I was a blubbing mess – I was doing that awful ugly cry when you cannot speak through the tears. My poor mum must have wondered what the hell was wrong.
I know we (I) do too much for the boys especially Harvey who is 15. Every morning Gareth and I set our alarms to get Harvey up for his paper round. We get up to put all his newspapers in his bag then go up and wake him. We could be having an extra half hour in bed but no we are up doing his job.
I’m a pleaser and always try to please everyone, especially the boys but sometimes I feel I’m pleasing everyone but myself.
I haven’t been on my anxiety medication for 5 months now, I generally feel better about not being on them but I do however have moments like Tuesday creep up on me. The medication I was on had some nasty side effects which I couldn’t handle. I find solace in crocheting and writing, this is my form of medication but lately, I can’t even fit that in.
For the past 15 years, my main job role has been a mum, this will always be the most important role in my life even when the boys grow older and leave home this will always be my main job role but of late I feel I’m in a place in my life where I’m just not sure who I am & where I fit.
Since realising Teddie has additional needs my life and job role has become one. Writing and being an advocate is something I love and will never want it to end but I am still left feeling slightly lost as to what direction I want it to lead me too.
I am obsessed with helping Teddie be the best he can be, I’m obsessed with helping others with their journey, for me I don’t think I’m ready to be anything other than that right now.
I have 583 emails on Life with a Bear (more then I have following me) I love nothing more than reading every single one of them & sending a reply.
Mental health can affect every single one of us, I’ve always been very honest about my anxieties but not everyone can share how they feel. Coping alone only makes matters worse, it makes you feel isolated from the rest of the world and clouds your vision on how you think people see you.
There is always a way out from the haze that you feel you are in, please never feel you are alone.