The children are staying at my parents’ house tonight, so Gareth and I are going to the pubs in our village. This has been planned for a couple of weeks, but this morning I have this knot in my stomach and the realisation that Teddie is staying away.
I know he will be fine as he will be with his older brothers. They both know how our system works with Teddie, but I still worry. I remember how I felt when Alfie was Teddie’s age so I think it’s less to do with Teddie’s needs and more to do with mine. My mum used to look after Alfie while I was at work. If I knew my mum was going out with Alfie while I was at work, I’d call in sick – all sorts of scenarios would pop into my head and I’d go to bed worrying about ‘what might happen.
I felt like my fears eased as Alfie got older, but then Teddie came along. The fact that he has complex needs now does not change how I feel because all these scenarios could play out much more easily with Teddie because he is more vulnerable than Alfie ever was.
It’s really hard to balance trying to be a ‘super mum’ with being a wife. I give all three boys my all, but Teddie of course gets the most attention – simply because he needs that extra time to process the world around him. Sometimes I see the disappointment in Gareth’s face and in his voice when I change our plans because I cannot leave the boys.
I am conscious of how my worries affect the boys, while I like to keep my feelings to myself I do worry I am projecting unnecessarily anxieties onto the boys.